red wooden barn under blue sky during daytime


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Chapter Three:

Part One – Young Brownie

“Mama!” I stumbled over to Mama’s side, my tummy growling about. “Food where?”

We were at the barn, a bit fresher looking with vibrant coats of paint and the scent of freshly chopped wood. Unlike today, though, according to my uncle Simon, all of us animals were cramped together in a room with no fences cause that would take up too much space.

Though, I think we would be better off with than without. The younger me was born about 4 or 3 years ago. I was a calf back then, and I was always hungry.

Mama looked down at me, unimpressed. “You’ve had enough food for 30 minutes, and the time before that,” 

“But Ma,” I whined. “No food for a long, long, loong time! Even you no food eat, Mama!”

Mama sighed. “Aaannd the time before that,” She muttered under her breath.

I looked at her, all confused. Unlike Mama, I never had much vocabulary back then as a calf. As a matter of fact, My top 3 favorite words back then were food, butterfly, and standing in first place was Mama. The best Ma any baby cow could have. Well, minus her hard-headed attitude. 

three black and white Angus cattle on green grass during day

“Maamma, ‘Browneths’ wan-na eat!” I stomped my hooves onto the ground rhythmically to the syllables, causing a huge racket. The rest of the animals looked at me. Some bewildered and some glaring. You wouldn’t call me the most behaved as a calf, but I gotta say, I really was hungry, y’know?

“Brownes B. Mudspotter, you will stop that bickering immediately!” Mama bore her teeth; though not very threatening, it was very scary for little me whenever I didn’t have my way.

I widened my eyes at her, running to the nearest crate, hiding and burying myself in the hay.

“What’s you and your calf’s problem, Marrie? Just a year ago, you were voted ‘Best Family’!” A goose honked out. 

“Oh, go stick your head in a beehive, Zara! Your newborn daughter, Carol, is no better either. Even pest control couldn’t handle such fiends!” Mama mooed loudly. Carol flinched.

Zara snorted. “Put a potato sack on it,” She tried to comfort and blanket Carol with her wings, but little Carol turned away with a sour look on her face. “and don’t talk to my Carolina that way! How’d you like it if your Browne here got insulted? What did you just do to him a while ago? Hm, Marrie?”

“Put a potato sack where?” Mama said as she slowly walked out of the barn. “I’m just training him to run and hide from what’s to come,” With a sarcastic look on her face, Ma kicked the barn doors inwards, locking us in. Well, it was not really locked. We didn’t have the skills to open doors. You get my point.

barn surrounded by trees

“Great- Appleseed!” What I think was one of the farmers hollered. “Son, get-! -large! Cow on the!”

We all blankly stared at the closed doors, hearing loud yelling from the humans and Mama.

“She’s trouble- we should just sell her- -the farm that’ll-.”

There was a long, long silence. Then the farmer said, “Except we should just keep her at the other-. We’ve got enough- for a. C’mon son, let’s carry her into the.

As I said, I didn’t have that wide vocabulary back then. That includes the human language. We learn some basic human words when we repeat them many times, and we use most of our senses to see what context it’s spoken in.

We then figure out what it means and translate the words into our language. We also use the words around the word we’re learning. Y’know, context clues. Here’s a tip to those other fluffy friends out there: think of this literally otherworldly word as a synonym of what the human word means.

For example, let’s take one of my favorite words, butterfly. The human version sounds a bit like Buh-teur-flaihie. Our version sounds about the same (well, maybe not SUPER similar), but replace it with a similar-sounding animal call. It’s hard to put in writing. Even the greatest masterminds of the barn couldn’t do it. Anyways, think of it like “bahtuerflaihie” is a synonym for butterfly.

monarch butterfly perched on orange flower in close up photography during daytime

Like how “right” is a synonym for “correct”. Pretty simple, am I right? And yes, I know, I know, a boring literature lesson. Go ahead and chuck tomatoes at me, but you never know when you get trapped in a barn with a bunch of animals and start hearing some ugly vocals from outside. 

I didn’t really understand what they were talking about, even with my small dictionary of some human words. But by the look on the other’s faces, I knew something bad had happened, whether it be to us or Mama. 

I crawled out of the crate of hay, looking at Zara.

 “.. Auntie Zara? Mama.. where? Mama… gone..?”

Zara gave me a look. “Keep your baloney, ’cause there’s no chance I’ll even dabble in it,” Her surrounding animals pointed their nose upwards, signaling for her to hush up. 

Another cow, my Papa, turned to me. “Uh, she’s just saying that you misheard things under all that hay. Your mother is just taking a stroll after all that, you know? Fresh air. You know how she is, wild and adventurous, always wanting to get out to the world,” those last few words left Papa in an awestruck dream-like daze, which he’s infamously known for.

Mama says that when they were younger, he was pretty down to earth and pretty chillaxed back then, unlike now, where he’s always pretty confused and zoned out thinking about what would happen if a giant metal flying frisbee came out of nowhere and stole a bunch of cows. Guess it was an “opposites attract” situation back then. 


“Hoooowwwllll!” About 2 or 3 wolves or dogs sang their song.

white and black wolf with white snow on mouth

Zara covered her and Carol’s heads. “What. Is. That. RACKET GOING ON?!”

“Looks like the ‘Brown Bean’s Mommy’ is back at it again.” Carol sneered.

A sudden chill jolted through my spine. I was paralyzed by an unknown fear. “Now is.. Not the time,” I had a voice crack, which is usually annoying to me as the next guy, but as the one who had it, I couldn’t help but choke on my own thoughts, but my head was empty.

Carol raised an eyebrow, but as the next howl came, she was in the same state as me now. Then Zara, then even Papa, then the sheep, the pigs, the horse, the birds, the everyone.

Looking back at it now, it was a ridiculous thing to be scared of, but at the same time, I still get sudden jumps in my heartbeat with that same chilling synchronized howl of an unidentified possible canine.


Yo, sublimeorange here! I tried to make things a tad bit more eerie in this chapter, but only a sprinkle, because it might get too intense to the point it’s not even a comedy series anymore hehe.

After the next chapter of the story of Barn Battle One (as told by Brownie), we will go back to our schedule of funny barn animals, with a few answers to the unanswered here and there.

Anyway, if you’re wondering if Brownie’s mom is still out there, yeah, she is, but you are gonna have to wait for the next chapter.
BONUS: If you wanna know what those humans were saying, I’ll tell ya!

“Great- Appleseed!” What I think was one of the farmers hollered. “Son, get the nets! Extra large! Cow on the loose!”

We all blankly stared at the closed doors, hearing loud yelling from the humans and Mama.

“She’s trouble in the barn. we should just sell her to another farm that’ll mold her into a more behaved cow.” The son sighed.

There was a long, long silence. Then the farmer said, “Except we should just keep her at the other farm instead. We’ve got enough crazy animals for an entire lifetime. C’mon son, let’s carry her into the moving truck,”

Hope that answers at least one of your questions! Also, sorry for the little English lesson squeezed in; I just wanted to throw in some laughs. I’m sorry for the delay, I’m on vacation right now, but I hope I finish the next chapter fast!

PS: *Gasp* What is the backstory of some of the barn animals??

The author of The Cows,

– sublimeorange942

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