So guys, here are some super funny jokes:
If you are an astronaut and you don't end every relationship with "I just need space" then you are wasting everyone's time.
Vincent van Gough walks into a bar, and the bartender offers him a drink… No thank you, said Vincent, I’ve got one ‘ere.
A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought "That's not very mature".
Q. What does a nosy pepper do?
A. Gets jalapeño business.
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
"Doctor I keep stealing things" "Take these tablets; if that doesn't work get me a flat screen TV."
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Q. Why do French people like to eat snails?
A. They can’t stand fast food.
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
Q. What did the envelope say to the stamp?
A. Stick with me and we’ll go places!
Two clairvoyants meet. One says to the other: “You are fine, and how am I?
Q. Waiter! Waiter! This coffee tastes like soil.
A. Yes, sir, it was ground this morning.
Q. Where do aliens go to get drunk?
A. To a Mars Bar.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a rap.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at him.
A dog walks into a job centre. ‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk. ‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a gig in the circus.’ ‘The circus?’ says the dog. ‘What does a circus want with a plumber?’
My girlfriend has just dumped me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football. I’m gutted - we’d been going out for three seasons.
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered scrambled eggs during the Renaissance.
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Q. How do you drown a Hipster?
A. In the mainstream.
Q. People are always telling me to live my dreams.
A. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for.
Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I thought my neighbours were lovely people. Then they went and put a password on their wi-fi.
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
Q. Why did Luke Skywalker always sleep with the light on?
A. He was afraid of the Darth.
Q. How do you make gold soup?
A. Put in 14 carrots.
People say that nothing is impossible, but I do nothing all the time.